Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
