So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
