using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
