so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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