Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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