My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
