One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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