so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
