I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
