Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
