i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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