Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize