Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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