Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
