Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
