Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
