I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
