To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
