I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
