I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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