i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
