I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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