Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
