do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
