I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize