I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
