just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
