that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
