I wanna passion pit in your ass
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
