My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
