Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
