seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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