So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
