Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
