the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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