Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
