She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
