Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
