Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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