I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize