apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You need a sexual gate keeper
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
