I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
