it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
