i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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