you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dicks are not precious.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize