Duck Duck Cougar?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Enjoy the penises
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
