oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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