I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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