If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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