Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Are my feet made of real feet?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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