guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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