Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
