I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
