Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
