I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
