why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
