I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
