Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
