how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
