Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
