Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
