I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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