We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
