i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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