Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
