In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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