On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
