Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
